Sunday, July 30, 2006

THE SWAHILI SIDETRACK

It was soon getting dark and so we made our way hurriedly off the station and entered into Dar es Salaam chaos. Thick traffic, noise, pollution and here people really do drive on the pavement. Our first mission was to phone our good buddy Mike as apparently he was living somewhere in Dar. After hitching and almost getting run down a couple of times in the thick of traffic, we eventually caught a matatu (minibus taxi) for 200 shillings each and ended up in the city centre at a place called Posta. We bought a phone card and us and ten Tanzanians tried unsuccessfully to get hold of Mike. Sweating and cursing heavily we gave up and tried to get hold of Jay who was staying somewhere down the coast. Eventually we gave up on the public phones, attacked 2 passing German mzungo’s, bought airtime for their cell phone and finally got hold of Jay. He was drinking beer and watching soccer and was glad that we had finally arrived.

"Oh, Mike left 2 months ago, his visa expired for the third time and now he is working in Saudi Arabia." Well that was that, then told Jay we would see him soon and hung up. Had to escape the press of humanity before it got dark so we booked into the YWCA which was apparently the cheapest place around- it was also next to the biggest, noisiest taxi rank. Took much needed showers and then headed downstairs and out into the dark street to look for somewhere to eat.

On the corner we met a man who said he knew of a good cheap place and so we followed him up the street. In the dim, smoky restaurant he made a phone call on his cell and soon 5 of his big Swahili friends arrived, being all friendly but hemming us in and asking all the usual question. After the meal they tried to get us into their car with offers of a free lift back to our hotel. An ugly scene was unfolding. We declined the offer and said we would rather walk, at least 5 times, before eventually just turning and walking away. They tried one last time by pulling up next to us and claiming to be the police . "You think I am some stupid fresh faced European, fuck off!" They eventually drove away, too afraid to rob us on a busy street. Well, welcome to Dares Salaam.


The next day we tried to find the girls we had met in Malawi. Ellie had given me the address of the school she was teaching at and it was in a suburb called ‘Changombe’. We walked and sweated all day through multitudes of people, filth, noise, human drawn donkey carts, pavement drivers, soldiers, hawkers, cyclists, sick people, demented people, roadside food and beer shacks – their cooking fire all joining the black car fumes and hanging in a dirty cloud over everything. Eventually we found Yemeni Primary School but everyone had gone home, so we got hold of the last remaining teacher and after phoning someone he led us to her house. There was no one at home so we sat outside and waited, sweating in the evening heat. Eventually Consolate, their maid, came and thinking we were more gap students, let us in. We put our bags down and I headed to the outside toilet only to discover it didn’t flush and the water didn’t work. Great, haven’t even asked if we can stay and I’ve left a smelly present in the toilet.

Soon Craig, Brendan, Ellie and Mel arrived back from the beach and we all shook hands and got invited for supper. Later more students from different parts of Dar arrived and joints and bottles of Conyagi (really foul, cheap local rum, the picture of flames on the label) were soon doing the rounds. In the midst of this social gathering we asked if we could stay for a while and the answer was yes, have another drink. I sneaked out the back and set up my broken tent but soon gave up the idea of sleep and joined in the madness, which didn’t stop until 3 or 4 in the morning. It was usually crowded, chaotic and loud most nights but I got used to it and soon the place became home. We stayed for a long time. Down the road was the local pub, the TTC, where we watched many a football match on a big screen but with no sound. We were living on the edge of a slum area so the school had provided a night watchman, not that he was really needed. This old man, who constantly wore socks on his hands, sat at the gate all night in full uniform smiling and nodding at any attempt at conversation. No one even knew his name. There were plenty of roadside eating shacks up and down the road and we became addicted to chicken and chips and kilimanjaro beer, which was all really cheap, but the toilet worked overtime. Water was taken from a big storage tank underground in the back yard by bucket and poured over your head to shower, and into the toilet to flush. To escape the oppressive humidity, we would sometimes all climb into the water tower in the next-door yard, smoke spliffs and listen to the drums beating around us while gazing up at the stars. This was my favourite spot, especially during a power failure when everything blacked out for miles. Hoochie-Coochie was the drinking game and Dustin and I always lost, not being able to slap our knees, clap our hands and count simultaneously like the British. Frequently there would be people lying everywhere in the morning and I was glad that I had my tent, even though I stuck to the outside of my sleeping bag for lack of ceiling fans. We all went down to the dirty beach on the other side of town once in a while to swim and get stung by blue bottles in the piss warm sea. Sometimes we all missioned down to Q-Bar to dance and drink. It was an ex-pat place and you had to fight through the pretty hookers to get to the bar, black hands feeling you all over.

Somehow through all the madness Dusty and I managed to get stuff done. We managed to apply for our Sudanese visas after fighting through the bureaucratic bullshit that is the Sudanese embassy. "It will take 3 months, if you get it, we’ll post it to Addis Ababa."

Finally we left, heading south towards Jay, 300 km down the coast to a place called Kilwa Ruins. Late afternoon found us still hitching on the outskirts of the city. The ordinary thumb sign doesn’t work here, people return the gesture, thinking your wishing them well. I hunted around in the numerous piles of rubbish that line every road and eventually, finding a suitable piece of cardboard, wrote KILWA in big black letters with the marker pen we had for just that purpose. I held the sign and Dustin waved his arm up and down. Occasionally a car would stop and ask us where we were going. "Kilwa," we said.

"Cuba?" Was often the dumb question and after explaining for ages discovered they were turning off 2 km down the road. Eventually a friendly 4x4 stopped and we met Mike whose father was a Polish gunrunner and mother a Tanzanian. He was down for the weekend from boarding school and his English was good. He said we should go to his house, drink beer and then pay for a lift on a truck early in the morning. This sounded cool so we agreed and hopped aboard. Drove down numerous, dirty, narrow ally ways and eventually came to a huge metal gate set in a massive stonewall with glass and spikes on the top. A Masai warrior, complete with red blanket, sandals, spears and big knife swung open the large gate and we entered into a huge courtyard that looked something from a mafia movie. Careful to take off our shoes, we met mom and gran, got fed and then drank beer from a cooler box outside in the courtyard, 5 big dogs eyeing us suspiciously. Mike wanted to go and see his girlfriend on the other side of the city and insisted that we came along with him, the promise of pork ribs afterwards. For 2 hours we inched along in Dar traffic, which is like nowhere else in the world and got to his girlfriends house in the dark. He decided to take a shortcut down gravel roads on the way back. Now it had been raining for quite a few days and soon we came to a big puddle lined with expectant people. It was about 40m to the other side and Mike decided to go for it. Almost at the other side we hit a hole and the jeep sunk up to its windows. Stuck. 50 people attacked the car all with different opinions and shouting in Swahili about how to get it out. 4x4 proved useless and just got us deeper in the hole. Dustin and I got out and pulled and strained with everyone else in the waist deep river – a huge snake slithered past the car causing a moment of panic. It became a war – we strained, we swore, the car bubbled and smoked and the boot filled up with muddy brown water. A pickup appeared on the other side and Mike took off his jeans, climbed out the window and in his underpants wades across to make a deal. Dustin and I guarded the car against the increasing riotous mob. A towrope was attached and after snapping a few times finally pulled us out with every ones combined effort. A great cheer went up, someone got paid, heads were broken and a riot began. Hastily we all jumped into the car and sped around the corner and back towards the tar road; sopping wet to a take away pizza joint then back to Mikes and bed in the spare room.
The next day we surveyed the damage, cleaned the car and then Mike took us to a truck stop only to find there was but one left. We made an offer, they refused, we left and Mike took us far out of town and dropped us off.

Well we met a Mike in Dar, not the right one, but we did the same things: drank beer and went 4x4ing.

We hitched all day and after boiling in the sun and 2 really short lifts, found ourselves in a town with no name in the rain. Booked into a cheap guesthouse and then went to find supper. In the morning we found ourselves at the edge of a gravel road and waited with every one else for hours in the rain for any sort of vehicle to come by. We were all entertained by a man who liked fighting with goats and all roared with laughter as he was butted down the street.

Eventually a big open truck loaded with crates of ice rumbled up and was instantly mobbed, a price was set and we bumped along the worst road ever all day getting rained on occasionally and then drying out in the hot sun. Finally late at night in a torrential downpour we jumped off at our stop, said goodbye to our many companions of misery and ran for cover. We phoned Jay from a hotel and he gave us directions to his place. Jay’s tall, monstrous form loomed out of the shadows when we were half way there. It was good to see him again after so many months and we went back to where he was staying, laughed a lot, smoked a few joints, drank a few beers and ate some food; then slept like dead men. Jay was staying at Kilwa Beach Lodge, the big game fishing spot on the Tanzanian coast. He had helped build most of the place but now had overstayed his welcome, run a huge bar tab and caused loads of shit, as Jay tends to do. He had to leave soon; the manager was on his case. Jay shared a house with Brett; nephew of the biggest big game hunter in Southern Africa and Jay was doing his professional hunters apprenticeship through him. Brett was an ex rally car driver and bionic man – he had more metal plates and broken bones in his body than robo cop.

Over the next few days we did what we always used to do: went sea kayaking, riding some nice waves and capsizing many times, got lost in the bush for a day and took a Dhow across the channel to visit the Kilwa ruins – an old Arab fort. Had loads of fun and then had to leave, sneaking out early one morning before the sun rose on the back of a hunting vehicle. The 3 of us sat on the hunting seat at the back while Brett drove like a rally car driver. Got back to Dar in record time and Dustin and I jumped out at Shoprite with a promise to meet Jay later at Q-Bar for the final between Chelsea and Liverpool. Back home to Changombe. Me and Ellies relationship took off and I moved into the house, bed, mosquito net and ceiling fan. Match night came and we met Jay and Brett down at Q-bar. The large open-air pub was packed with anticipation – even the hookers were silent and knew it was no use plying their trade at a time like this. Kick off on the big screen: Jay and I backed Chelsea and Dustin and Brett backed Liverpool, beers backed everyone. After a long hard game Chelsea lost and we switched to tequilas, doing them suicidally – lemon in the eye, salt up the nose and tequila down the gullet. Caught a taxi home later at some ungodly hour of the morning.

A few days later Dusty and I booked a ferry ride on the cheapest pile of junk we could find to Zanzibar. When voyage day came we made our way bleary eyed to the harbour in the morning mist, climbed on board and fell asleep, our bags tied firmly to our ankles. The previous nights send off party had only just ended. Woke in Zanzibar at night, had our passports stamped at immigration and made our way to the first food place we could find. After chicken and chips we followed a raggedy seaman type through the narrow alleys of Stone Town to Jumbo Guest house where we showered and then sat down in front of the T.V. In walked a Swedish girl called Hedwig. She was doing small business research in Zanzibar and staying at Jumbo. We all chattered for a while and then I went to bed shattered.

Woke at 5 the next morning to the machines at the bakery going mental and a mosque calling everyone to pray. Left in the rain to find quieter accommodation and ended up at Annex of Abdul where we found Steff upstairs in a tiny room stitching her jeans: "Hey Steff, long time no see". We were staying in Stone Town, the oldest suburb of Zanzibar. A labyrinth of tiny, twisting alleyways, crumbling buildings, strange doors, mosques and scooters whizzing around blind corners. An awesome place – especially at night when the scabby cats come out to hunt, an old peg leg taps away somewhere on the cobblestones, shadows twist and turn and you can hear the ghosts of pirates whispering in the alleys. You feel you definitely need an eye patch, 3-point hat and a sword – especially when you get lost, which happened every night.

Annex was where I began my Kili training and every morning I would run up and down the 3 flights of stairs until I felt sick. We hooked up with Hedwig – who we called H – and went missioning around with her a lot. We went to the seaside food market, which happens every night and where you can buy shark, tuna, octopus, lobster and all manner of things. We took a matatu up north to go and see the slave caves. When the slave trade was abolished the Arabs began hiding their cargoes of slaves in caves along the coast to await the ships. We stayed all day, swimming in the sea and losing track of time – we missed the last matatu and had to walk 15km back to the tar road, it was getting late. Passed grass rooted villages, grinning idiots and coconut groves. We walked until a man came passed on a bicycle, towing another one. We stopped him and H jumped on the back carrier on the back and Dustin and I took the other one. It became a race and Dusty rang the bell as we swerved passed goats and chickens, peddling furiously through mud and sand as I clung on desperately, my arse feeling every bump. We stopped eventually and I got off thankfully, feeling like I’d just served ten years in Pollsmoor prison. The man waved goodbye and turned down a jungly track to his hut – on we walked. Presently a man on a scooter stopped and one by one – gave us a lift through the dark jungle to the tar road. From there a matatu back to Stone Town.

H had to go away on business for a while so Dustin and I headed up to the north coast of the island for a few days. Really beautiful but expensive. White beaches, crystal see, palm trees and hundreds of bloody resorts. We tried free camping but once again it was impossible, this is Africa, people are everywhere. Mzungu, give me money!! Walked most of the 80kms back to Stone Town, then got a lift. When H got back we went down to the south coast, hired a boat and crew for really cheap and went snorkelling with the dolphins. For hours we played with them in the warm water, swimming amongst them and listening to their song – it was an unforgettable experience.

Back in Stone Town we ran into Paul the Austrian whom we had last seen in Mozambique, he now had big. fat, crusty dreadlocks. Dustin went off to Pemba (the island next door) with H for a honeymoon, I moved into Paul’s hotel down by the harbour. After a few days of guitar, philosophy and joints I took a night ferry back to Dar, was sea sick all night, landed in the dawn, took a taxi back to Changombe, woke Ellie through the window and climbed into bed, finished. For the weekend Ellie and I crossed the channel by ferry and went to a beach resort called Kipepaeo where we lived in luxury, swam in the sea and looked for shells. Back at the house Paul phoned in a state of panic. He had been negotiating for ages for a freight ship to Madagascar from Zanzibar in broken English and had succeeded in getting a small boat, which had now got as far as Dar to stock up on cargo. He was stuck on the boat in the harbour and after fighting the pirates for his own bed now had to contend with the rats. We all met at the TTC for the final between Arsenal and Barcelona – the Changombe house, Dustin and H who were now back in town at the YWCA and Paul, the mad Austrian. I managed to secure him a place on the couch for the night and he was most grateful. ‘Rats the size of cats, man’. He left for his boat the next day, head hanging and questioning his sanity. (I have since heard that he actually made it to Madagascar, the place of slow monkeys with human hands and then just in time for his flight home from Joberg).

After another lengthy stay in Changombe, Dustin and I finally left for Arusha and Jay, who was busy building a bush camp somewhere up there. After catching a strange bus we ended up miles off the tar road in a little village for the night. Hoping that the bus was leaving in the morning to resume the journey north we camped right next to it and cooked supper on the petrol stove in front of the whole village. Sick of the constant stares and laughter, which we were obviously the butt ends of, we lit a candle and bored them with a long game of chess. At 4 in the morning the engine started and we hastily broke camp, helped load up many beams of timbre and then hit the long windy gravel road at the end of which, the bus turned south. Off we jumped and went to find breakfast. Walked for a long time and then stopped to hitch. 5 minutes later we were in a fast car going north . Outside one village, we hit a goat at about 120 and, sitting on the back of the pickup we, watched it cart wheeling after us for a bit. Out here if you kill some ones livestock, you don’t stop and so on we sped, white knuckles on the rails. Got to Moshi and thankfully got off. 10 minutes later we were in a land rover, drinking beer with 2 American NGO’s and then we saw it, Kilimanjaro, a massive, snowy, hump-backed beast rising impossibly high off the plains. We were lucky they said, today’s a clear day – You have to be lucky when you are a hitchhiker.

They dropped us off at Masai Camp in Arushu and we set up our tents on the shady lawn where we met Neil, another crazy cyclist crossing the continent. Two days later we moved around the corner into a shed at the back of a locals home – much cheaper. Up the nearby mountain every day with Gina the one Masai Camp dog to get fit for Kili. Soon Jay rocked up – Mr Utility we called him, as he now had to wear a massive belt full of gadgets – part of being a professional hunter. He came with us up the mountain, we played soccer and we had a massive braai with Brett, who was also down. Then Jay had to head South past Dar, to start another bush camp. I made an offer: we work for you, you feed us. ‘OK sounds good, I’m sure it will be cool with the boss’ he said. Early the next morning the three of us were on a bus heading to Dar. Brett had dropped us off at the terminal but had left before we could say goodbye with the soccer ball and my umbrella. He had been mobbed by Africans all shouting ‘Mr Norris, Mr Norris!’ as he looks a bit like Chuck Norris and being a bit racist he had torn out of the car park scattering everyone.

By evening, after a torturous bus journey, we were back in Dar and after hopping in a taxi, got dropped off at a Catholic Hotel called, wait for it, Passionate Fathers. Jays boss had organised it for him and we sat under an umbrella outside drinking beer and making jokes about how he might survive the night. We left Jay and headed for the Changombe house. We met Jay at the spur 2 nights later for some good food followed by many drinks at the pub next door. Next day we got the phone call on Ellies phone:’Sorry guys, the deals off, no one else allowed on the game farm.’ Well that was that then.

Back north we went and after spending the night camped behind a restaurant ‘somewhere on the road’, we ended up in Moshi; a small town at the base of Kilimanjaro. We booked in at Hotel da Costa – the budget accommodation for people wishing to climb Kili. While at the bar drinking a beer and checking out our adversary looming above the clouds in the distance, we met Steve. Hey guys, do you think I have malaria? I feel a bit funny. Hey, are you from South Africa?’ I was wearing my Poffadder T- shirt. Steve was a bit of a worrier and from the Transvaal (no wonder); he was also a young game ranger, out on his own to broaden his horizons. The next day we walked out to the orphanage to give them some of Stevies clothes and other excess. Then we climbed a steep hill all day, never reaching the top and finding out later it was the base of Kili and we should have permits. We spent the next few days trying to find the cheapest company with whom to climb the mountain. Unfortunately the only way to climb the mountain is with guides and porters at a ridiculous cost. It’s the law and the only way in which new Africa makes money. After meeting the operators sparkling with jewellery and gold teeth we eventually met Angus from Crown eagle. It would cost us 770 dollars each, including tips, carrying our own gear and going the popular route – the best price by far. Now we had to get the money: no banks in Moshi, so it was off to Arusha 80 kms away to hit the banks for three days until we had enough cash – damn bank withdrawal limit. Stayed in the usual Masai camp, climbed the mountain everyday with Gina our trusty dog, the messed it all up in the pub every night. The Changombe crew arrived on our last night . Hitched back to Moshi on Sunday afternoon after the last bank robbery, just in time to sort out our gear before an early departure on Monday morning. Borrowed jackets, boots, balaclava and gloves from the crown eagle, had a last debriefing, met our guide Peter and then headed back to Da Costa for an early night. H had arrived and tried unsuccessfully to set me up with her friend.

Dustin stood red eyed and yawning in the morning – a victim of circumstance and his organs – while we loaded up the minibus with food and bags; the bulk of our stuff being stored at Da Costa. In the morning gloom we headed out to the base of the beast where we encountered the Kilimanjaro Circus hanging about at the entrance gate. Filled out forms, hummed and ahhed and all (guides, porters, cooks, Americans, Russians, Germans, little people and big people) milled about at the start – it was like some damb fun run or something. And they’re off – ten minutes down the path we let everyone pass and sat down with Peter, our guide, to smoke a joint. Trekked up hill (obviously – any down would have sparked immediate concern) all day along a well-trodden path through thick, dark, jungle, passed pretty waterfalls and numerous raving colubus and blue monkeys. By the evening we had passed everyone and were at the first base camp, 2700 metres above sea level. As usual I damaged myself on the first day, pulling my Achilles tendon – Kili would have to be climbed mainly with my left leg. It was cold and we all ate in a big A-frame bungalow, while the wind whistled through the cracks and different languages congregated under the ceiling. Before supper we had taken an extra walk further up the mountain to the rim of a small crater and so retired early to bed in our little 3 man A-frame. As I lay snug and warm in my sleeping bag I could feel the altitude, my heart beating a little faster and breathing through my mouth as the orifices in my nose proved inadequate for adequate oxygen intake.

Next morning we cracked on our boots and headed to the mess hall for breakfast before hitting the super highway onwards. Soon the scenery changed, turning to skeletal, moss covered trees as we passed through the clouds and then settling to stunted bush, not unlike fynbos on Cape Town Mountains. This day we took it ‘pole –pole’ (poorly –poorly) which means ‘slowly-slowly’, it is best this way to acclimatise – not as if we could have actually gone any faster, it was getting harder to breathe. By evening we were puffing like run away steam trains as we stumbled into Horombo Camp at 3720 m. It was wreathed in hissing mist and felt like some World War One, bomb blasted, trench warfare site – it didn’t look much different either. People had quietened down quite a bit by this stage and were now firmly set into the grim business of climbing a mountain. Being South African, we were soon bored and so headed higher up for a view of the snow capped peak and a spliff. Things burn for twice as long at high altitude and joints really make you feel quite mad. Late evening we floated down through the howling mist to find our poor exasperated guide desperately searching for us to give us our food. We liked Peter, he was really a good guide, but we were sick of being mothered up a mountain and so we all had a good chat and he relaxed a bit and left us to our own devices – we became the ‘cheezy mzungos’ which means ‘crazy white men.' A huge full moon rose that night above the cloud layer that covered the surface dwellers down below like a blanket. It was truly beautiful and we 3 sat on a rock overlooking this spectacle of silent awe and knowing that this was exactly where we were all meant to be. Sleeping was a little harder that night.

The next day we slogged through the high altitude desert, the only living thing being crows at the lunch spot where we crouched behind boulders sheltering from the howling, cold wind. At 4500m altitude struck and pounding headaches set in. We stumbled into Kibo camp, exhausted and immediately lay down on our bunk beds, dead men. We managed to stumble to a frugal supper of soup and bread and then back to bed. Kibo is where all the different paths converge and everyone sleeps in one big hut with many rooms. It is like a funeral parlour, no one talks, no one leaves except to the toilet: it is freezing cold, the wind whistles through the bleak compound and people groan miserably like pitiful dying animals. There were 9 in our room; would have been 10 but he or she was carried past us on a stretcher on our approach, wrapped completely in a body bag. Dead or alive? Climbing this mountain had become a grim business. A Jap on the bed beneath me groaned all night; he was not going to make it; the Americans ate their oxygen pills, checked their heart rate monitors and worried; the Russian slept in his neon mummy bag. We were to wake at 12.30pm and leave at 1 – the last to leave; guides had been monitoring their people over the last days, checking speed and endurance and matching starting times for the summit accordingly. I slept with my boots on and all my clothes next to me, stuffed in my sleeping bag. Sleep was hard and fitful and by 11 impossible – everyone was kitting up and heading out, checking pulses and swallowing little pink pills. Sleep impossible, I went outside for a cigarette and a shit and watched the twinkling torches climb the mountain. At 1 we were off after biscuits and tea, one slow step at a time, following the feet in front like some dumb animal, breathing like a maniac and heart pumping like a machine gun. As usual we passed many groups, some people coming back down, beaten things, heads hung, focusing on the steep, slippery slope. For hours we carried on this numb mindless stepping, worming our way slowly up, Peter in front, setting the pace, an automated machine. Finally at 5700m we reached Gilmans Point, still in the dark but the sky lighting in the East gradually. We flung ourselves down and had a cigarette then left for the summit on a narrow, twisty path that bordered on a huge drop into a crater. Soon the headaches and nausea started; strange altitudinous thoughts crept into our brains on fluttering legs. The sun rose, a thin red line on the cloud horizon; it was beautiful, but beauty has no place in a numb mind with only one thought: top. We were in the snow field now, sharp jagged ice crystals underfoot, death drop to the side. I balanced carefully on my dizzy stick and fought my ragged mind. The dazzling way forward, lit by the sun, grinned its flashing white teeth at our torture. The ugly pimple of a summit appeared around a bend and we grinned right back. With the summit in sight it was easy and we reached the signboard with out realising how we had got there. I flung down my bag and stick, fell among the rocks and puked my guts out. Dustin, as usual, found it most amusing and took some pictures of me and breakfast. Then we posed and prostituted ourselves in front of the cameras for a short while, admired the spectacular view through glazed and bloodshot eyes, then headed down – you can’t stay long at 5896m at –16 degrees C for long. I vomited some more on the way down and really had to fight hard to get back to Kibo hut. We had to get out of the altitude as soon as possible, so after a forced bite to eat headed back to Horombo at 3700m. Got there like the dead gets to a funeral and then slept. Woke later feeling a little better, then headed to the eating hall for the war stories. We found out we were the only ones from our room to summit; one guy being picked up wondering the mountain and not knowing his own name.

The next day we walked back down through the jungle, laughing at those going up. By this stage my ankle was appropriately buggered and I was wearing Peters mouldy leather sandals. Got back to the gate, picked up our certificates, said our heartfelt thanks to Peter and the boys for excellent service, gave back the sandals and barefoot headed back to the hotel for Kilimanjaro beers all round. We made it up the mountain, but found it difficult returning downstairs to our rooms; knees locked in rigamortis.

We recovered in Da Costa for many days. H had arrived again so I moved into a room with cheesy Steve, where we had much fun smoking pot with two French tandem cyclists who kept on getting bust by the funny manageress for smoking in their downstairs room. Eventually the 4 of us took over the hotel and had the staff in stitches with our crazy Swahili and even crazier antics. The 2 Frenchies had cycled down South America, crossed to Cape Town and were now ending prematurely at Nairobi due to the inevitable ending of money. They had a massive sun bleached set of horns mounted on the front of their bicycle as well as horns of the hooting variety mounted all over the place, and a trailer. They were clowns and crazy people and stopped to entertain schools and orphanages all along the way for free. It was the soccer world cup so we all watched many matches upstairs in the pub. Soon the Frenchies left, taking their crazy 2-man circus with them, the mobile freak show with horns. Then Steve left after trying unsuccessfully for ages. Soon Dusty and I left too, heading west, back to Arusha and Masai camp. After another bank robbery we headed north, the green giving way to brown as we hit the Kenyan border. A black market money deal, lunch with our lift and then over the border into a new country and new adventures. We had spent 3 months in Tanzania, staying to the very limit of our visa and having an unforgettable time learning a lot of Swahili and making some lasting friends.

The show must go on.

Timo

Friday, July 7, 2006

Victoria Falls to Dar es Salaam

We awoke in the still dawn silence that is the great African bush. While sitting about in our crop circles of long grass and eating a breakfast of oats, a troop of baboons wandered past, plucking at grassy shoots and berries. The boss, a huge hairy beast, decided to come on over and investigate. He strolled right up to me, sat down and scratched his balls. Not knowing what to do, I carried on eating out the pot, clanking away a little more loudly with my spoon. Curiously he looked into my eyes. Only a minute change of circumstance between man and beast, we traded thoughts. Then he got up, grabbed Steff’s sleeping bag and tried to get away. She was up in a flash, shouting abusive German and tugging on the other end. In wide-eyed terror the baboon beat a hasty retreat up a tree. After much laughter, breakfast resumed without further incident but under cautious, watchful eyes.

Today was the day to leave Zim and cross into Zambia. We paid our 20 dollars each at the well-guarded gate and entered into a world of roaring mist. Victoria Falls is hugely impressive, the entire Zambezi river plunges 95 meters into oblivion along a kilometre long gash across the earth, whereupon it gathers itself and continues sedately round the bend. The falls can be viewed from various intervals along a dripping path winding through a rainforest. Umbrellas were deployed but here the rain falls in all directions and so eventually proved quite useless. After David Livingstone’s statue and eating a soggy lunch we headed across a bridge and to the Zambian border.
After having my bag searched and our passports stamped, we were in Zambia. A couple of hours and one lift later we were in Livingstone, the first town on the map. We booked into Fawlty Towers, a really nice place with a pool, DSTV and a bar. Unfortunately we had arrived in Zambia 3 weeks too late. Their debt had just been wiped clean – part of the first world debt reduction plan – one dollar got you 300 Kwacha, before, you got more. Ate a nice pizza around the corner for supper while kittens back at Fawlty Towers rampaged all over our tents, playing catch and perforating our fly sheets.

After unsuccessfully trying to book a train to Lusaka we bought bus tickets instead. Travelled in the super tinted, air-conditioned mega hauler all day, eating cheese sandwiches and watching confusing Nigerian movies on a little screen right in the front of the bus. One called ‘The Tome and Jerry’ featured two naughty boys who constantly played tricks on their poor blind grandpa. The bus was in stitches every time the old man’s seat was pulled from underneath him, his cane went missing or he sat on a drawing pin.

Eventually as the big red ball in the sky began its gradual descent through the layers of dust and smog, we hit Lusaka bus terminal. Miriam, an engineer and pilot who had been on the bus, offered us a free lift in a private taxi. We jumped, eager to leave the overcrowded, festering bus depot. After being dropped off almost on the edge of town we walked into the night and eventually came to Mumama Guest Lodge where we asked if we could sleep somewhere in the back for free. After much politeness and many attempts at leaving, they finally agreed and gave us a nice little patch of grass next to a duck pond, which was covered in shit. Beer, soccer match in the pub and bed, buggered.

Walked and walked all morning and then after 3 lifts ended up at some big river and camped in the bush. Got stopped by soldiers the next morning while trying to cross a massive bridge.
“Where from? Where going? Passports? Money?”

I gave the one guy a book, signed the cover, smiled patiently, sweat dripping from every pore and waited.

Across the bridge we walked, stopping halfway to throw sticks into the swirling chocolate mayhem. On the other side we waited for hours, entertained by dancing children who were meant to be walking to school, and taking turns to sit in the shade. Eventually a car came past going in the other direction – an overland truck, as usual filled with really bored looking European tourists. After listening to our stomachs singing something in B flat minor for a while, Steff volunteered to go back across the bridge to find some food. Ten minutes later she came back sitting in the front of a bakkie; on we jumped.

It was a convoy of 3 bakkies; we had a choice. The great hand of destiny had also ensured that these were Zambian beer reps, and so we sped stopping frequently to drink beer. This just reinforces my belief that if you wait or suffer long enough, something good always happens; always, without fail. It’s all about balance. The beer reps were off to a crop planting festival in Chipata, which is almost at the border to Malawi. Dropped outside Chipata in the dusk, many handshakes and thanks and then up a hill to a really terrible, bumpy camp spot in the dark.
Onward the scales tip. Walked all morning and eventually got to the border. We had crossed Zambia in 3 days. Well, no one needs a visa for Malawi – unless maybe you’re Russian – so stamps and then across the border we walked. Got hassled by all the usual suspects, mainly taxi drivers. One in particular wouldn’t let us go but kept pace next to us as we walked, begging and pleading.“Look, buddy, the only way I’m getting in your taxi, is for free”.

“OK”, he said eventually, so in we jumped (of course, now he had to pick up more people to make up for his loss).

We arrived in Mchinji a tangled mass of limbs, chicken and maize and after I’d removed someone’s foot from my ear someone else tried to grab Steff’s bag. She gave him such an earful of foul German at the top of her lungs that he dropped the bag and hurriedly hung his head. He was no thief, just another enthusiastic taxi driver trying to secure a passenger. On we walked until eventually we stopped on the side of the road to make lunch. Kids surrounded us as we ate and watched mouthful practically to stomach. A note on people: You are never alone in Africa. You sit down to eat, have a smoke and 30 people will be standing a meter from you, watching every move. After an unsuccessful attempt at a finding a camp spot near the road (ants everywhere) we climbed a hill, passing a few beehives suspended in trees, made fire, cooked, slept.Awoke to a storm, ran down the mountain to look for water, came back successful an hour later, soaked, and made breakfast under umbrellas. Dodged a herd of cattle and got back to the road where the sun came out and cooked us. Walked to the Kaysea Inn for lunch and then Dustin and I conducted a very dodgy, drug deal feeling, black-market money change in some dark little back room. More rain and it got late so we pitched our tents in the back for 500 Kwacha for the three of us. Fanny, as Steff is affectionately known, had developed a bad foot (we found out weeks later after that she actually had a broken bone). Well, the good people at the Inn liked us so much that they offered us a month’s free accommodation if we could organize seeds for their vegetable garden. We couldn’t of course so we left the next day and after hitching for ages we finally took a cramped mini-bus to the capital, Lilongwe.

We camped at a nice spot at the edge of town called Kiboko, getting invaded by ants on a daily basis. We visited the orphanage down the road and after playing some soccer with the kids got invited for breakfast the next morning. Patricia, the really nice Malawian woman and owner of the orphanage, cooked us a nice breakfast of eggs and beans and we ate while watching old cartoons on the telly. After buying supplies and haggling for tobacco we got a lift with John and Karen, two American lawyers who were attacked and robbed while in SA, us three squashed on the back seat of their golf with our bags on our laps all the way to Kande Beach. We had to walk the last two km of sand track, as the car was too heavy.

At last, Lake Malawi. The lake looks just like the ocean – white sandy beaches, small waves and you can’t see the other side. At the campsite we met Derek the overland truck driver again, with a new group of European tourists coming up from South Africa. Just as in Mozambique we bummed supper. Ah, South African meat and veggies. We all took a walk down the beach to check out the local dugout canoes. A Malawian dugout is not like a Mozambiquan dugout. There is no v-shaped hull; it’s just a massive hollow log that you have to sit on rather than in. I had a go on one and stability was definitely lacking. The whole of the next day was spent walking the beach, haggling for a canoe. At each small fishing village everybody gathered to watch the 3 mzungo’s (ma-zung-oes: ‘white man’ or ‘he who travels aimlessly’). Eventually at the end of the day we were the proud owners of a leaky log after capsizing in front of many laughing villagers, haggling for hours in smoky huts over cigarettes and salty fish and walking up and down the beach for ages. Something had to be done about the stability, so we worked late into the night attaching a windsurfer board as an outrigger.

The next morning, Dusty and I took our strange craft to the distant island for a test run and breakfast. Steff wouldn’t set foot in it. Many leaks but otherwise no problem. After fixing the leaks the local way – pushing bits of cloth and plastic bag into the cracks with a knife – we loaded the bags, convinced Steff she wouldn’t die and left to an audience on the shore. Having a large weight on one side of the boat made steering extremely difficult but we got it in the end and travelled reasonably straight. Steff sat in the middle with the bags; her job was to make lunch and bail out the steady inflow of water; Dustin and I alternated between front and back. It was heavy going so we sang songs and acted like pirates. When it was getting dark we beached the boat, set up tents, made a fire, cooked supper and then slept like babies.

We woke to the sound of many curious villagers poking around outside, packed up quickly and escaped to the lake where we ate breakfast. We had bags of this horrible porridge stuff where you just add water. We docked for lunch at some fancy beach lodge, ate, lay in the sun and swam. Suddenly this irate, twitching little man appeared and began screaming at us:“Your girlfriend’s in my shower!”

Reluctantly I went and fetched Steff. Two screamings in one day is not good. Then the weather changed; the rain came down, the wind picked up and the swells got big – really big. We were far offshore trying to round a huge rocky headland when the waves started coming in. Fearing death, we headed to the nearest beach where we hid miserably under umbrellas waiting for the storm to pass.

In the late afternoon, we rounded the headland and came to a small village where we were warmly greeted, pulled ashore and helped offload. A long line of scruffy fisherman and children trotted up the long winding path through the dim jungle all proudly carrying an item from the boat. The paddles branched off to that house, the ropes went to that one and so on. Too tired to protest and failing to be understood anyway, we followed the procession; we’d sort it out in the morning. It ended at Chief Goodwing’s hut. A fire was made and the whole village watched while we set up tents, cooked and ate.

The next morning it was raining and Dusty and I took a long, escorted (you’re never alone) walk to the distant village for some supplies. In Malawi, there are no real shops and so you eat whatever you can get. The rain slacked off in the afternoon, so Dust and I, sick of the constant stares and attention, decided to escape to the lake for a bit of fishing. Steff wanted to stay, being in her element (she is German after all). We took GO (Gretchen Odyssey) back up the shore for a bit and beached at a small lodge to look for earthworms. There we met Jim, a skinny drummer from the sixties with a crutch. He was the owner and bought us lots of beers as we sat on the deck and chatted. We got back to Steff in the dark, no fish but slightly piddled. After supper, chief Goodwing took out his rusty tin guitar and sang wedding songs to Steff at the fire – we definitely had to leave in the morning!

Early the next day, we fetched all our things from various huts through the drizzle and hit the lake again, much to the chief’s disappointment. Of course the whole village saw us off and waved until we were far in the distance. We actually found an empty beach that night. The next day the beaches became less and gave way to rocky, jungle-like mountains towering from the lake; little huts perched at intervals like vultures. Children would spot us from far away, gather together and shout: “Mzungo, give me money!”

This never stopped. After crossing some large bays, sometimes putting us three or so kilometres from shore, we came to a little muddy, grassy beach thing next to a small brown river. While recovering on our bags under the stares of all the usual people who spring up from nowhere, a man came up to us and began waving his arms about wildly. Rabies?
Eventually, he pointed up river and said, ”Crocodile?!”

Well that was the magic word, so we packed up and with burning arms and blistered hands we paddled further up the coast.

A bit longer than presently, we arrived at another beach with a big stone house on it. There we met mzungo Mike from Canada and his beautiful Malawian girlfriend. Mike had no more ganja and so we gave him some in exchange for letting us sleep on his beach. Next morning Dusty and I smoked a pipe on his roof and said our goodbyes and we were off. Camped in the rain that night in some wet bushes, cooking on the petrol stove. Next morning it was still raining and having no food I decided to walk up the coast to Nkhata Bay, the first town on our journey. We knew it had to be close. Steff was not happy, she wanted to pack up in the rain and paddle on an empty stomach. After an argument I left in the rain towards Nkhata.

Walked and walked, the sun came out and on I walked down the beach. Eventually I came to a large river and after looking right, then left, then right again for crocodiles, I waded across. Soon the beach stopped and gave way to steep rocks and cliffs pounded by the lake. It looked doable but I decided to rather go inland through the jungle. Along ancient paths up and down mountains I walked passing the odd village from time to time. Eventually by late evening I arrived at Nkhata Bay. Before I could do anything I had to change dollars for kwacha. After meeting a man who knew a man who knew a man, I ended up at the small harbour, shouting exchange rates to a fat Muslim sitting in a boat. Soon in front of fifty people we had a deal and then I was off, running for the shop before it closed. Filled the daypack with food, picked up a litre of petrol and then sat down for the first time that day, demolishing a packet of biscuits and having a smoke. Soon I was up running again – it was getting dark.

I decided to take the coast all the way back as I thought it would be quicker. I picked my way carefully up and down the rocks along the shoreline until soon I came to a big cliff; I would have to climb. Half way up it got dark and I began to get desperate. My umbrella sticking from my bag had hooked on a vine; I was stuck. Balancing really carefully I managed to gently pull the umbrella out and drop it down the cliff to the lake far below. Eventually, I reached the top and could breath easy again. Much later I reached the top of the mountain, breathing like a madman. My shirt ripped from thorn bushes. I sat down in the dense dark jungle and lit a smoke.

“What more could possibly go wrong?” I thought.

Then the rain came lashing down.

For hours I stumbled about blindly, sopping wet, until eventually I came across a hut. After scaring everyone to death and much discussion in very broken English, the old man gave me his three sons to guide me home. Up and down slippery mountain paths we trudged until we got down to the big river, waded across and then onto the beach. I reached our camp at one in the morning, paid my guides in cigarettes, said many thanks and then sat down for the third time since the previous morning. Buggered.

I found out from Dustin that Steff had left for Nkhata Bay just after me, having had enough of the stinking, leaking boat and that bastard Tim. The next day was Dusty’s birthday and we made it to Nkhata in the sunshine. Eventually we found a lodge with lake access and pitched the tents. The lodge was called Butterfly and we met Charlie, the owner, Julius and Mel. We stayed there for three days, stocking up on supplies and having much fun and insanity. Like the time we attempted and actually ate a ganja cake made on the petrol cooker.

Soon we began making our own bread on the coals, as there is none on the lake. At one village lunch stop we made a sail and the boat became the ‘Black Pearl’, after the colour of the sail – now we were pirates. We flew along before the SE wind, which blew most days, travelling further from shore and fighting big swells. After a few days we reached the town of Usisya for lunch but decided to head on to Charlie’s (lake access only) lodge somewhere around the corner called Ruarwe. After a crash landing and flooded boat in the dark, we stumbled into the bar and found the place deserted. Too tired to pitch tents we ate from cans and slept on the floor suffering much pain from over exertion. Deadbeat.

For a few days we recovered there, playing chess and reading. Eventually I caught my first fish with an earthworm. Then on, ever north we paddled, sleeping in tiny villages miles from any roads, now boiling and drinking lake water as there were no more boreholes. Oh ya, in Ruarwe, we also blew up a TV. The village chief from yonder hill came to hear of the two mzungos in town and so he sent his sons to come fetch us by canoe to tune in his TV. After paddling for a while and then climbing a large hill we arrived sweating at his hut. First the generator had to be fixed. The starter was broken and after watching ten men tinkering over the thing for two hours, I couldn’t take any more. I wrapped a rope straight around the motor shaft, pulled, hey presto, we had power. They looked at me with religious awe so I connected up the TV and began fiddling with the buttons and things. Soon Dustin said he smelled something burning, smoke was pouring from the back of the TV! We apologized but they didn’t seem too fussed. Thank God. There would be no lynching that night.

We left Ruarwe the next day. After some days and more crocodile warnings we reached Chiweta and found some cokes but no cigarettes. We had been smoking this foul local tobacco which you buy in wet leaves and then dry over a flame before crushing it up and putting in the pipe. The wind that had helped us so far decided to turn against us and so on we struggled with the sail down. We knew Chitimba lay somewhere close by and so decided to keep going until we got there as we had no food. Eventually after dark, we saw a bright light far in the distance.
“That’s got to be it”, we thought, our bodies groaning audibly.

Then the wind swung and increased in strength. Soon we were flying along; howling demented banshees, moths to the flame. Then we could hear the waves roaring on the beach.“Quick, the torch!”

Pssst. The bulb blew.

“Other torch...shit, no batteries. Change batteries, change batteries!”

Roaring getting louder; numb, aching hands fumbling over useless contraption.

Click. Light beam illuminates big waves pounding beach.

“Turn the boat, turn the boat! Shit. Too late. Out, out!”

Trashed, boat filling up.

“Offload!”

Fumble with knots, cut knots, big relay up beach to safety. Boat, bending and groaning, filling up quick.

“I’ll get help”.

I run towards the light, a dripping demented moth. Inside, mzungos sipping beer, eating the evening meal, not to be disturbed.

Wild eyed flapper-spraying water: “I need help!”

“You sure do, buddy”.

Roy the lazy barman gives me two kitchen staff. I run, they walk. Dustin half drowned trying to hold the boat straight.

“We have to cut the outrigger off”, they say.

Knives out. Start sawing away at the stubborn rope. I stab my hand. Blood, spray, rope. Outrigger off, we all roll the heavy log up the beach. Rest, breathe. Only one paddle lost, never to be seen again.

Haul gear up to the bar. Dripping, shivering all over the floor. Don’t care for curious stares, warm clothes on. Sit, relax, made it. Luckily there were two plates of food left over, meat and chips; they were gone in a second. Then a beer while we twitched all over. There was some kind of party thing going on so we drank some more beer and then much later slept where we fell.
Woke up in Chitimba Beach Lodge with a big hangover. Our boat was finished so it was the end of the mission. We had paddled from Chinteche to Chitimba, some 200 kilometres. Recovered all next day and met a crazy girl called Natasha and 3 gap year student teachers: Ellie, Mel and Jo, who were down from Dar es Salaam on holiday. In the evening, Natasha, Dusty and I walked to the village and haggled for a chicken. I carried the gibbering thing back home by its feet, butchered it into pieces and put it over the coals. It was bloody tough; they sold us an old hen.
The next day the girls and us went on a day mission up the mountain to a small town called Livingstonia. I had an infected foot from various wounds that had been in the lake for too long. It swelled up like a balloon and the last two hours down were the longest of my life. Well, I couldn’t walk so we got jobs behind the bar; no money but free food, accommodation and drinks.
The next day 70 cyclists arrived with their support crews from Egypt on their way to Cape Town. The ‘Tour de Afrique Cycle Circus’ was in town with cyclists competing from all over the world. They filled the campsite with tents as well as the usual daily overland trucks. For the next two days we were extremely busy, serving drinks and drinking. Some of the cyclists were pretty rude complaining about the lack of glasses and stuff.

I would point to a T-shirt hanging behind the bar, which said, “I’m not paid enough to be nice to you, this is Africa so fit in or fuck off!”

Eventually they left and things quietened down a bit. We met Mick and his girlfriend from the mushroom farm up the hill. Adele, Kevin from USA, Mike from Denmark and Ollie from the UK. Over the next 7 days we played volleyball during the day and served drinks at night. We had crazy conversations about fat people, Olympics and slaves and every night watched fantastic lightning storms over Tanzania. We did so well, John the owner offered us permanent jobs but we declined fearing alcoholism.

Eventually we managed to escape, signed the bar, said goodbye to all our friends and Steff, who had reappeared, and hit the road again. We had managed to sell the boat to an old fisherman for half the price we paid and two fish. We walked up the road to a quiet campsite with a bed in a tree, pitched the tents and hit the sack.

By the next night, after hitching all day and taking one taxi we had crossed the border and were in Mbeya in Tanzania. Electricity, lights and food! For 3 days we stayed at Silent Lodge (which was noisy as hell) while trying to organize train tickets to Dar es Salaam. Eventually we succeeded at 45000TSH (Tanzanian Shillings, 1 Dollar = 1000 TSH) each. Clackety-clack into the night, we shared a cabin with Godfrey and Fred, two Tanzanians. Dustin and I drank whiskey (it was my birthday the next day).

Woke up and saw giraffes, buffalo, zebras and other animals out the window – we were travelling through a game reserve. Well, we had no local currency and we were about to hit a major city in the dusk so Josh (mzungo) gave us 8000TSH.

“Don’t worry, my parents are rich”, he said.

“Shot bru”. A birthday present.

The train came to a stop and we fought our way off the platform into Dar es Salaam; the first leg of the journey complete.